La Crainte
by holmesfreak1412
Summary: She was wrong. Everyone else was. Ty Lee never stopped fearing Azula and everything else that pertains to her. Azula/Ty Lee ThreeShot. Post The Search
1. Fear

Title: Phobia

Author: holmesfreak1412

Fandom: Avatar: The Legend of Aang

Pairing: Azula/Ty Lee

Genre: Romance, Angst

Rating: T

Summary: No, she was wrong. Everyone was. Ty Lee never stopped fearing Azula and everything that pertains to her. ThreeShot

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the ATLA franchise.

Notes: A place to stick all my TyZula headcanons. Because the wiki did a convincing job in telling me that their relationship mostly bordered on fear and I want to try something different rather than the established TyZula redemption story. This, I tell you would be a whirlwind of one-sided romance until the happy end we all want for the princess and her acrobat.

…

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 _ **Phobia**_

 _._

 _ **ONE**_

 _._

 _.._

 _ **Fear**_

 _._

 _._

She was suspended in mid-air, both feet up as one hand supported her weight. Below her was a racket of the wildest animals that the circus nurtured, most of which Ty Lee does not think are that _wild._ But maybe it was only her. Maybe it was only her that had the infallible diligence to feed the animals not in the way of a good trainer but in a manner of a great partner. _It's not control. It's a relationship,_ she liked to say as the wolf-alligator only but blinks slowly at Ty Lee's affectionate pat. Maybe it was only her who was relieved that the inferno blazing below her was not _blue_ and that maybe the heavens still gave her a chance. Maybe she was the only one more concerned about the animals running in frenzy just below the steadily spreading flames than her own heart in her throat, her then happy life at stake as she met the pair of gleaming golden eyes in the glow of the fire.

 _My aura has never been pinker._

"I think it is time for a career change." It was a familiar dance, one she had learned to twirl on as soon as once when they were little girls in the Academy the princess' mocking laughter broke her illusions of a beautiful friendship into smithereens. One must never provoke the princess. One must never be better than the princess. One must never reject the princess.

 _I will come and watch tonight's show._

Ty Lee should have known that in that single year since she left _("Abandoned! You abandoned me, Ty Lee!"_ ) Azula had gone from bad to worse because she now knew that shoving Ty Lee to the ground remorselessly was no longer enough to validate her authority, her power over her. Such childish retaliation was no longer enough to remind Ty Lee of how much she used to fear that one girl whose company the whole adoring nation thought she did not deserve.

 _Azula called a little louder._

There was no trace of sad, wistfulness in her voice as she looked expectantly at the princess. No look of surprise escaping her exuberant features as that small, rare smile curled on Azula's red lips. No tremble in her words as she excitedly prattled on and on about how the three of them will spend time together. Because once upon a time, she believed that they would be the best of friends when everything were unicorns and rainbows and not embers and ashes. And yes, though her aura is grayer and dingier than ever she still loved Mai as much as she feared Azula.

Life in the circus seemed so far away as she now leaped through trees in pursuit of those Azula vehemently called peasants, now aiming to provoke fear, incite pain instead of to entertain. But then again, she feared Azula more than she loved the circus. And admittedly, for the first time in her life, she felt the intoxicating rush of being different, being special, being feared.

Recognition flashed on the waterbender's eyes and Ty Lee, who lived indistinguishable with six other sisters for most of her life, found out that she relished it.

…

.

 _Circus freak._

The harsh, derogatory nickname had been etched in her long enough for Ty Lee to delude herself that it is compliment. That was always what Ty Lee was good at. Azula was not the only one who always lies.

 _Circus freak._

Each time, it hurt.

 _Do you want to know why I joined the circus?_ She pointedly ignored that gnawing, persistent thought that Azula never did call her that, despite the wince she had not tried to mask when she saw it for herself. _Here we go._ The knowing shrug momentarily startled her. And from the corner of her eye, the regard that the princess levelled on her almost seemed human, almost unlike the monster that she admitted her mother thought her to be. _And maybe the apology earlier is sincere after all._

 _I was just a little… jealous._

And it scared Ty Lee because she promised that she was just here until Azula got tired of her, that she was only here to help her become the Fire Lord that she was always destined to be, that one day she would be in the books as general to Azula the Conqueror—nothing more. Dreams of prestige and eternal memory were those that kept Ty Lee going even though it was obvious that Azula cared for no one but herself.

But she was wrong. And it scared Ty Lee because perhaps Azula could see through her façade and saw how much of a liar she was deep inside. That moment that Azula started to resemble the friend that Ty Lee thought she never would have. And she feared Azula because she was probably the only person who could ever understand her. She feared Azula because someday when Azula inevitably discards her, Ty Lee might just end up being disappointed.

She feared getting attached.

 _Azula always lies,_ Zuko once said.

Many a time, the princess pretended to listen. Many a time, she shut the same mouths that confided up. Permanently.

 _But it still hurt._

And perhaps, Ty Lee thought as she watched Azula once more dismissed the notion that she could ever empathize, that they were not so different after all. Azula was not as perfect. Ty Lee was not as flawed.

Ty Lee then promised that she would never forget that day.

…

 _No, you miscalculated. You should have feared me more._

Ty Lee thought the same thing as Mai had. She did what she did because she loved and wanted to save Mai more than she feared Azula, that she wanted to keep her inner peace more than she feared the entire wrath of her homeland. That all in all, she would rather forgive herself for striking Azula than watching that one best friend that actually seemed like one die.

And deep in the bowels of the Boiling Rock, Ty Lee still had wondered why.

 _Trust is for fools,_ she heard the now disgraced princess say the next time she saw her, when she was the one behind bars and looked just as helpless as when she fell down that day in the Boiling Rock. _Azula is not perfect. There is nothing to fear._ Ty Lee decided to further ignore the recurring memory of that momentary flash of hurt in the princess' eyes, the fear on those once steely, golden orbs as Ty Lee did what she herself thought she never could. _You miscalculated._ And there she got an answer: maybe in that moment that Azula lost control did Ty Lee realize that she loved herself more than she feared the princess. And there was nothing more that she wanted than to finally get rid of that hindrance.

 _It is like I never even have a name._

Deep inside, she wanted Azula to remember her as more than just a servant.

Because before when all she had to fret about is whether they had enough people in to meet the quota and not the future of the whole, cruel world, she had been happy without Azula, right? _Circus freak is a compliment._

 _Trust is for fools,_ the patient repeated like a mantra, eyes wild and untamed, even more so when she lost composure for the first time back in the Boiling Rock. Ty Lee knew that she could not see her—Zuko had insisted that it was not the time yet but Ty Lee could not help but think that _Azula knows,_ like she always did _("But you are the smartest, most beautiful, perfect girl in the world!"_ Maybe Ty Lee is not much of a liar after all), just what are the exact words to hurt her. Stark, raving mad, bound in a strait-jacket and only aware of the white walls that effectively caged her, Ty Lee realized that Azula, oh Azula still had this power over her.

 _Trust is for fools._

Azula trusted Ty Lee when Ty Lee did not even intend to.

And so she was struck with the epiphany that if only she had let it be, Ty Lee and Princess Azula would have shared such a beautiful friendship: more than the sense of loyalty she felt for Mai, more than a bliss than when the wildest of animals responded to her coaxing. Because Azula had always been the one who knew which buttons to push to keep her on track ( _and safe! Azula never did anything that she knew would kill Ty Lee_ ), when to do things ( _"Ty Lee, get over here now!)_ and what words to say _("Maybe I am just a little… jealous."_ ). Azula had always been the one who understood.

Ty Lee thought that if only she had allowed it to, she would have loved Azula more than she feared her.

And Ty Lee feared that she regretted how they did not have enough time to let that happen.

…

.

Ty Lee once feared being part of a matched set but she guessed that she feared the epiphany of possibly the only person who can love Azula _(because she did not! It could have happened but… dammit)_ more than the anonymity of being a girl who just wanted to forget the Ty Lee from the war, the Ty Lee that once went against the saviour of the world and the Ty Lee who once had the power to make Azula human but did not take the chance.

Being part of the Kyoushi Warriors was a welcome respite. And perhaps, it is more than the comfort of being part of a matched set that dissolved the moment that she washed her face but the marvellous feeling of finally doing something right. In various ways, Azula had wronged these people and maybe, Ty Lee feels obligated to repent for her when she obviously was in no state of mind to do it herself.

Mai already did a good job with Zuko.

Because if her favourite prisoner Suki who she tortured but never broke down could forgive the now broken princess who was haunted by the unseen, Ty Lee thinks, hopes that perhaps the rest of the world can too.

And maybe Ty Lee can also at last, forgive herself.

But Ty Lee fears more than she hopes. And she has seen the distrust in Sokka's eyes, the wariness in Katara's and the stiff stance in the Avatar's shoulders. She knows it would take a lot, a lot for the whole world to stop fearing Azula.

Ty Lee certainly never stopped fearing her.

 _I do not understand why you have to be so mean,_ she admonished, feeling slightly peeved that in all the efforts of the people around her to redeem her, Azula still had the gall to think that she was the victim. She expected a fierce glare, an outburst that would console her that the princess had not completely associated her with the feelings of betrayal. Once upon a time when war raged outside and Azula was still a sheltered princess and not a general, Ty Lee had always been afraid of any form of retaliation from Azula. But now, her eyes flashed the same way as when she fell down from being chi-blocked for the second time. There was that relief flooding her chest when the girl still unfailingly recognized her even amidst the heavy makeup of being a Kyoushi warrior but gone was the intense regard that Ty Lee had once attributed to the sadistic pleasure in the midst of her suffering, of the fear she incites. In its place are merely unseeing pools of amber that now classified Ty Lee as an unimportant distraction to the more imminent and prominent demons in her head.

Like the rest of them, like the rest of the world, Ty Lee had become nothing more to Azula than the very image of betrayal, a brush of annoyance, merely a part of a damn, matched set swirling into a doomed oblivion that was mocking Azula's existence.

 _Nobody would love you._

And she was right. Nobody had ever looked at Ty Lee that way Azula once looked at her, the way Azula did not look at her now, the way that in the periphery of the girl's growing instability, she probably would die without ever doing so again.

 _You are not making sense Azula._

And Ty Lee had always feared things, people, feelings that did not make sense. Because she feared how disappointed she was too and that did not make sense. And she feared the glimmer of hope that still bubbled on the deep recesses of her broken heart, that they can still rekindle the lost, beautiful friendship that they would have had. This unfamiliar determination scared her. Azula scaled up to Appa without looking back even though many a time during the Hundred Year War, she never failed to spare Ty Lee the smallest of glances. The acrobat turned Kyoushi Warrior could not even muster a personable word of goodbye.

 _Have a safe trip,_ she settled _._ Azula had said the exact same words once, when she was running away. Azula was the only one who ever knew she would. Azula was the only one who ever noticed. _You will be missed._

Ty Lee feared how much she missed her too.

…

.

.

Azula knew Ty Lee like the basic of her firebending katas, could read her better than she could with most complicated of military ciphers and could manipulate so easily like how lightning was second nature to her but Ty Lee did not know Azula.

It had been glaringly apparent as of late that she never did.

 _Fear is the only reliable way._

Because otherwise, she should have seen all this coming. She could have coax her to speak more about her feelings during that night in Ember Island, could have seen the pain she bottled up inside all these years. She could have learned to love her more than she feared her. Ty Lee could have been more of a friend to Azula. But no, she feared her. Ty Lee, Mai, Zuko and even her own father feared her. And what was once the sole emotion that Azula thrived on and coerce people in her circle became ultimately the one that drove people away from her. If Ty Lee let herself love Azula more, she could have seen that Azula feared being alone in the world more than anything.

"What do you mean Azula ran away?"

And she was alone now. The cruel, outside world closing in on her. _Oh Azula._

And for the first time in forever, there is a tremor in her words, an unprecedented surge of emotion that she often usually masked with her exaggerated extroversion. And Ty Lee's eyes are not wide with feigned wonder nor were her lips contorted into an adoring, grinning swoon. There is confusion, shock that she is certain only surfaced that time when Azula spared their lives instead of executing the both of them on the spot as she obviously intended when it was only Mai alone.

She stared Zuko down in defiance.

 _Because Azula loved you more than she loved Mai,_ a treacherouspart of her brain reiterates. She had not heard such assumption for years, buried away in calculated disdain as Ty Lee forced herself to believe that fearing that it was all a plot of the endless list of Azula's manipulations was easier than the more unbelievable fact that the princess loved her.

Zuko's scarred face mirrors the same emotion of grief and pain, his lips set on a thin line and the sigh he let out the very picture of regret. Ty Lee wanted nothing more than to chi-block him too because he had no right, he had no right, he had no right. Not for Mai's love that slowly waned. Not for what should have been Azula's throne. And certainly not for Ty Lee's loyalty. Zuko had no right to feel remorse over the sister he had failed to protect, over the broken sister he had failed to bring back home, over the sister he had feared when he should love her.

Ty Lee feared what would happen to Azula now more than she feared the Fire Lord.

 _Have you ever been chi-blocked?_

And in the last moment before her hands rise, Ty Lee stops herself. Because she has done this before: loved someone more than she feared someone else. She loved herself when she finally overcame the power that Azula exercised over her, the fear that she felt on who she realized was not so perfect after all only to find out that no, she never stopped fearing Azula. She never stopped fearing that she would regret it in the end and it is clear that she did now.

She never stopped fearing the truth that Azula may have loved her, loved Ty Lee more than she had allowed herself to, trusted her even the life that she held high above everything else. Azula had loved her. And look where it got her.

 _Trust is for fools._

And how Ty Lee would have fallen hard too, if she was ever given more time and a clearer mind.

And so, Ty Lee finally lets herself break down in Zuko's arms, begging her to please, please forgive her because she should have seen this coming, should have known. For the fact that nobody loved Azula enough. Not her mother. Not her father. Not Zuko. For the fact that Ty Lee had been too afraid to do so.

"I am sorry…" And she knows that she is not talking to Zuko anymore. She imagines Azula in her arms, the very woman who refused to look at her just a week ago and might now forever be out of reach. In her secret dreams, Azula is always in the brink of redemption, of being the best friend that she was never given a chance of being. She never imagined that she would ultimately lose her."I am sorry."

 _Everyone would betray me._

In an uncharacteristic show of tenderness, Zuko strokes her tear-stained cheeks, murmuring hushhushes. He takes a deep breath, draws her away from his body, looks into her glittering protuberant eyes and smiles. "We will find her. I will make sure that we will find her."

 _But you left Hiraa without looking hard enough..._

Ty Lee swallows the derision in her voice, extinguishes the note of accusation. "Thank you…" she murmurs and she does not feign the gratitude that she said she had because this time, she wants him to know that the words of reassurance are not enough. Though she does not blame nor discredit him for it. Azula is the one with silver tongue. Azula is the one who knows what the right words to say to Ty Lee,

 _Tell me, how did you stop fearing me?_

"She was wrong you know…" she says for the second time, shrugging off Zuko's hold from her shoulders. Slowly, the Fire Lord relents. "I never stopped fearing her."

 _And maybe, she never stopped loving her too._

"There is something stronger than fear." Zuko tells her, still smiling. Ty Lee looks up. He pats her head, knocking her breath away. "Hope."

 _Zuzu?_

She is allowed to leave the Fire Nation by the next morning. Zuko sees her off, muttering. _I trust you._

Mai offers to join her. "Just like the old days." But this time, they would have to hunt down their own leader.

Ty Lee shakes her head.

"Remember, Ty Lee." Zuko's parting words. Ty Lee had begged for him to entrust her of this mission and her alone. The Fire Nation needs its Fire Lord. The Fire Lord needs his Fire Lady, as shaky as their relationship may be. And Azula needs Ty Lee. Or perhaps, it is Ty Lee who needs Azula. Zuko pats her head again. Ty Lee blushes. "There is hope."

And this time as Zuko finally said the right thing, Ty Lee just _hopes_ that she is not too late.

 **(TBC)**

… _._

 _._

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	2. Forgotten

..

 **TWO**

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 _ **Forgotten**_

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The next time she sees Azula, Ty Lee's world of fantasies shakes on its core. She always thought that the sight of the ex-princess would immobilize her, the shock rippling into her nimble limbs. But there was no confusion in her imaginings. Nor was there this hesitation to just spring free and drag Azula back to where she belongs in any of those ruminations. Ty Lee always thought that her certainty and hope of finally correcting her mistakes would bring Azula back for good, would let her win any scuffle with the firebender.

But the world has conspired against her. For her fears are confirmed.

In ways she knew was possible but never entertained it so.

 _Do you think she would do that?_

 _She could. But we never know._

Blue flames dance before her, wielded by none other than the Princess. But it does not crackle, whoosh, burn or destroy. And it look nothing like the magnificent burst of azure fire that once defined the Princess amongst all the rest. Ty Lee has been overlooked for so long that she appreciates anyone who has a distinct identity. But the man that looks nothing like the Avatar he impersonates stumbles back nevertheless, the harmless fire that Ty Lee realizes is just a piece of cloth barely grazing him. Someone who tried to look like Zuko sneaks up on behind the Princess and a burst of blue fla—confetti materializes from her outstretched hand. The backdrop is a decent-enough facsimile of the abandoned Earth Kingdom town. And the drums continue to tremble as the rest of the actors come to surround Azu…

And that is when Ty Lee remembers where she is.

She saw the sign outside and knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to spare some coins and watch the last presentation of The Last Airbender just after its fourth intermission for the day. But no amount of self-effacing excitement could have prepared to what she is astounded to see and what she feared now is true.

The Azula onstage looks so much like the Azula she remembers, back when Ty Lee still feared her. _You are the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world._ And she is surprised and floored as she hears her own heart pound, staccato rhythms against the fast and escalating beatings of the drums. Straight-backed, awe-inspiring, _fearsome_ , Azula who even as she is backed on the wall by the rest of the actors (who her mind reaffirms, looks nothing like the Gaang), maintains the composure that she later ultimately lost when she _miscalculated._

The percussions fade into a halting whisper. The crowd holds their breath. And Azula… _Azula!_... smirks, stares, and _acts_ like she once did.

"How sweet. Traitors and enemies all banded together…"

The voice is decidedly different. And this time, Ty Lee knows she is not hallucinating, that this Azula is not merely a figment of her overactive imagination after weeks of fruitless searching. There is no familiarity that disconcerts the acrobat into a thousand of bitter memories with the silver-tongued princess. The edge of the tilting voice is not there, the words spoken once uttered in biting repartee and endless dignity now an obvious parody of what was once the notorious conqueror.

 _That was a nice speech, Princess._

This play was written with Azula as the main antagonist after all.

"Now I surrender, like an honourable Princess should."

And this Azula raises both arms up in the air, the picture of a docile captive and there is that same telltale smirk, the same eyes of mischief and the same blue fire that springs from two held fingers as the Iroh (who looks nothing like funny, tea-loving Uncle Iroh) sinks into the floor. Blue curtains falls before Azula as various paper projectiles are thrown at her.

The drums pause.

Zuko with the too-small scar wails.

And the last thing that Ty Lee sees are brown, featureless eyes that the acrobat almost hopes and could imagine as the same golden orbs that looked at her like she was nothing special. Amongst all those people she would kill to get her power back when in the past, amongst all those who hurt her. No different than being a mere, indistinguishable nobody amongst this audience of the arts …

There is a thunderous round of applause. And the curtains close for the next scene.

…

.

There is no recognition in her countenance and Ty Lee freezes for the second time of the day.

"How did you get in here?" a burly man she recognizes as the play director bursts in, livid. Tall, muscular, bearded man that looks so much like the peasants Azula could not be caught dead associating with. The man forcefully grabs Ty Lee's arm and the dressed down Kyoushi warrior is too stunned to even protest. A group of people surrounds the woman she had just confronted, applying retouches to the slightly fading make up. This Azula leans back to her seat, not even bothering to spare Ty Lee the smallest of backward glances as the handmaiden's recoated the paint on her face.

She recalls that the last time she saw Azula, heaving herself up Appa's saddle, head turned away and staring blankly at the heavens, her eyes has avoided Ty Lee's too.

 _Tell, how did you stop fearing me._

This Azula's eyes are brown and this Azula's eyes lips are not as red. This Azula does not look as lost and this Azula certainly looks better in the Fire Nation garb than the emaciated, insane Azula had. But her inattention and nonchalant disinterest hurts regardless so Ty Lee does not feel the pain of crashing back outside on the dirt and does not hear the director's shrill bark of dismissal. There were cheers from inside the theatre and she deduces that they must be at the scene where they are fighting her sisters-the Kyoushi warriors, that part of Book Two always was the personal favourite to most even when their Azula look nothing like _her_ Azula.

But there is that certainty that she has not felt before as the screams die down and the drums commence again. This Azula is her Azula and she envies that Ty Lee who looks nothing like her (they did her braid wrong!} who is now standing at the same stage as the person she once feared.

 _Azula called a little louder._

Ty Lee waits until the play is over for the night and no one who looks like Azula comes strutting out of the back doors, even as the rest of those who look nothing like her friends slowly fill out.

….

.

This girl looks nothing like Azula.

But the look of wariness and suspicion still remained even as the eyes that bore into her are from being gold. The fractioned rise of her non-aristocratic eyebrows, the tilt of her slightly less pugnacious chin and even the curl of her unpainted lips. Things that are distinctly not Azula's makes her see the princess in this plain, brown-eyed woman. She looks like a peasant! The hair however is very much Azula's, flowing down in the elegance that the signature topknot of the princess had effectively hidden. Azula always had such a beautiful hair. Once upon a time, Ty Lee never forgot to tell her that in fear that she would lash out on Ty Lee's braid that got more attention.

This plain, indistinguishable, definitely-not-unique-peasant just succeeded on looking the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl.

This time, saying so feels more sincere. "I like you hair." Ty Lee gushes, grinning.

It used to be followed by the Princess acknowledging how right she is (Ty Lee had been more creative back then. Sometimes she wonders whether she would have made a decent enough living as a poet.). But there is a crease on this woman's forehead, brown eyes narrowed in unreadable torrents of emotion as she regards the acrobat. Ty Lee used to be able to read Azula well, a defense mechanism that she developed out of fear of retaliation. Violence was Azula's answer to anything so it was best to know what set her off.

She knew how many words to say to calm her down, how many strikes to make to bring her down.

"Hmph." This Azula grunts, back onto gazing into the mirror and not looking at the pink-clad girl at all. She applies paint on her plain, indistinguishable face, brown eyes set in concentration.

Azula never used to dismiss her like this.

The same hulking play director puts a huge hand on Ty Lee's shoulders. The acrobat looks up, trying to hide the disappointment she feels and the same man who vehemently threw her out of last week's performance grins and says. "Don't take it personally. Hime is like that with everybody."

 _Hime,_ she tastes the name in her tongue, amused. Not many people knew the old Fire Nation tongue but she has spent enough time in one of Azula's literary moods to pick up a few odd words. _Princess._

"That is alright." The acrobat chirps happily as the rest of "Hime"'s handmaidens are ushered in to prepare the actress. The rehearsal for Book Three Fire will commence in less than two hours. "I am sure I can handle it."

She has been able to handle the real deal before.

She can surely handle this watered-down one.

"And I am sure you will make a great Ty Lee too, Joon Ah." The director replies, all smiles. One week ago, she never would have expected him to be this cordial. Looks can be deceiving. Literally. "Hime always complained that nobody seem to get her right. You would think that being an antagonist, she would not be someone that we would pamper. But she is mostly the reason why the viewers come from even the Earth Kingdom. She plays the role of Princess Azula well. Too well that they love her."

 _They love her more than they fear her._

The idea stirs something in Ty Lee that digs up the fear that she felt during her own epiphany. These people learned to love the idea of Azula more than they feared the memory of her and she wonders if the plain, brown-eyed woman that looks nothing like the Princess but plays her so well even her close friend could be hoodwinked, is better off this way.

They love Azula now more than they fear her now.

"I am sure I will make the perfect Ty Lee. I am the real thing after all!" she exclaims confidently before realizing the unintentional slip. The director chuckles at her zealous outburst but does not take what she said literally. He has no idea… She sighs in relief. "Though I merely am an understudy so I cannot really show off how good I am." She feigns just the right note of disappointment,

"Nothing of the sort!" the man replies just as jovially. He pats Ty Lee's head again and grins. "You will play the next scene with Hime."

She has an idea what the next scene will be. Memories of that night in Ember Island seize her bearings and Ty Lee allows herself a smile to grace her lips.

She never forgot that night.

…

.

.

 _Forgetful Valley is where people go to forget._

 _It is also where people go to get new identities._

 _Forgetful Valley is where people let go of memories not worth remembering._

 _It is also where they can let go of who they were and what made them that way._

…

 _._

Makeup can do wonders and the woman who looks nothing like Azula emerges from the dressing room as prim and perfect as Princess Azula, once all is said and done.

Ty Lee could almost pretend that everything is the same as it once was. Except that this Azula never once looked at her. And Ty Lee felt more fear of being nothing to her than the apprehension of her noticing that she was up to no good.

…

.

Azula never forgot to remind Ty Lee that she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. But even the acrobat could put two and two together.

She does her braid, paints her lips and tries to look like she used to.

Maybe then, Azula would remember.

Maybe then, Azula will find that she is worth remembering.

…

.

"No. You miscalculated! You should have feared me more!"

Striking Azula for the second… no third… time even if it is pretend invokes a reaction in Ty Lee's guts. She trembles at the last moment but she catches this Azula's brown eyes (this at least, looks like the familiar glare of remonstrance) and taps the actress harmlessly.

She tries to imagine that the glare that this brown-eyed Azula regarded her with is the real thing and not the fabrications of a great actress who did not even care about her existence.

This Azula did not look hurt when she did that. Three years ago in the Boiling Rock, there had been pain when Azula fell. There had been that look of betrayal. This Azula just looked tired… _empty._

The cast all congratulate her about how great she is, how the crowd would love her. But Hime sneaks away from the small party after the rehearsal and does not even look at her.

The one who plays Aang smiles and squeezes her shoulder. He must have noticed her sinking disappointment. "She is always like that with everyone."

But Ty Lee never desired to be just like everyone.

…

.

Ty Lee finds her out in the open and facing the setting sun, tendrils of white smoke coming from her fingers. Methodically, Azula… _Hime_ raises and lowers her hand back and forth, back and forth and the smoke scatters into nothingness. Ty Lee would have thought that she is firebending, except that the whitish thing on her hand is something that she recognized as a respite for most battle-weary soldiers who found out that there is not much that they can do in this relative peace.

"That is not very good for your health." The acrobat breaks in, smiling. Ty Lee has always been the tactless one. Or it seemed so. The irony is that she just knows what to say to let people's guard down. Even Azula is not impervious to underestimating her careless remarks…

"It is a free country." The girl responds and this time, the pink-clad girl pretending to be Joon-ah does not mull over the lack of resemblance with Azula's sinister, mocking voice and instead of the words that came out instead. There is no inflection in the tone, no, nothing of the bitterness that she would have imagined from the disgraced princess. Azu… _Hime…_ still is not facing her. Back and forth. Back and forth. And Ty Lee wonders for the second time if she is wrong.

"Does not mean you have to kill yourself over it." Ty Lee ventures, risking one step forward. _Firebending comes from the breath._ It scares how Azu… no, whoever this woman is intentionally destroying the foundation of the very power that conquered the whole world for a century.

How this Azula does not care anymore.

 _She will forget what is not worth remembering._

 _Do you think that it would be everything?_

 _I don't know._

 _No. Nobody ever knew._

 _Nobody ever knew Azula._

"I do what I wish to do." The actress exhales and that huge intake reminds Ty Lee once again of the firebender that once breathed fire in desperation. But all comes forth is but harmless smoke, like She frowns. The woman shrugs, still not craning her head to look back. "And besides it's cleansing. You can try it if you want."

Her voice is all wrong. Her words are all wrong. Even her face is all wrong. But somehow, Ty Lee can still delude herself that she is talking to the long-lost princess.

Maybe she is right for once.

Maybe she can love Azula more than she fears her.

"Are you happy?" she questions before she stops herself from asking.

Because if indeed this is Azula and if indeed she has people who love her now more than they once feared her and if indeed she finally can resign on the thought of a free world with no pain and if indeed she can just forget about firebending without a second thought, then who is Ty lee to deny her of this fresh start.

Who is Ty Lee to be cruel and let Azula remember all those she had thought not worth to, even if Ty Lee was one of them?

 _If indeed…_

 _I am sorry I was not able to love you enough._

"Are you happy?" she repeats and she does not notice the waterworks that has leaked from her protuberant eyes, does not notice the actress' back stiffen, does not notice when finally the girl who looks nothing like Azula but is Azula turns around and sighs mightily. All she is drowning on now is the momentary flicker in the girl's brown eyes and to bask in the feeling that finally, she is looking at her, at her, at Ty Lee.

Brown-haired Azula does not stand. Brown-eyed Azula stays seated. And she breaks off the stare, once again gazing at the sunset. The cigarette burns out in her hands. She does not move to fish another one.

But the words are enough to reaffirm Ty Lee's suspicions.

"It is okay to cry." The voice that sounds nothing like Azula's says. "I heard it's cleansing too."

Maybe this Azula knows her as well as the other one did.

…

.

.

"So you won't leave?"

"What makes you think I would leave Hime?"

Something suspicious flashes into the girl's brown eyes and Ty Lee fears the surge of memories that will remind her of abandonment issues, missing mothers, impenetrable prisons and sobbing princesses. She has been with the theatre company for more than a month now and her aura… has never been pinker.

The actress shrugs and avoids her gaze. Joon-ah would give anything to hold it back once again. "I just thought you were a free spirit. Is all."

Joon-ah chuckles and wraps her arm around Hime. The latter flinches. The former holds on. "I always thought that acting is my calling. But of course if something calls much louder then why not?"

Hime sighs, uncaring. Joon-ah just shrugs it off, knowing in that full month that she chased after the reluctant… is it primadonna?... that she is like that with everyone else.

 _But Azula always called a little louder than the rest._

"Breaktime's done!" the director hollers. Joon-ah snaps in attention. And even Hime stopped rolling her eyes in boredom. She is becoming just like Mai, she thinks, amused. "Let us proceed with the last scene for today."

….

.

Ty Lee remembers that she is Ty Lee and not Joon-ah when Azula broke down in front of her.

And like the first time that she has witnessed it, she is as helpless as a bystander would be, doomed in the backstage and the space separating them never seeming more unreachable.

 _You are not making any sense, Azula_.

But this time, it is decorum of beholding art rather than Zuko that stops her from gathering the princess in her arms and begging forgiveness. The stage is Hime… no Azula's right now as she sat on the floor with a stern expression, one arm set atop a folded knee. The blue flames stage props are not done just yet and Lo and Li's presence is not yet necessary either. Her fellow actors hold their breath. Ty Lee wonders where hers has gone.

"Trust is for fools." Azula recites. But Ty Lee knows better than anyone that this is less a declamation and more than a re-enactment. She would later find out that Hime wrote the script herself, would find out that she remembered her pain more vividly when she could not even recall how to look at Ty Lee like she used to. "Fear is the only reliable option."

 _Fear._

And once again, Ty Lee remembers feeling that she might be too late already.

….

.

"I think her friends loved her you know."

"They feared her."

"No, I mean—"

"She ruled over them through fear. She is a monster."

"But I—I am sure that… Ty Lee loved her." She falters. "More than she feared her anyway."

Brown eyes met gray. And for the first time since the Boiling Rock, the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl lost her cool once more. "Then don't you think that if she told her so before she left and went missing, there would have been something worth coming back to?"

"I—"

"There is nothing worth coming back to." She murmurs. And the conversation ends.

…

.

.

"I love you, you know. I always have."

Azula looks at her and for the first time, really looks at her.

Ty Lee. And not Joon-ah.

"You are kidding."

…

.

The highly anticipated first showing of The Last Airbender: Book Three is a phenomenal event and Hiraa is suddenly a tourist spot. No secret about how such happened. Princess Azula's tragedy is a myth that the whole world is curious about. Whether she ate teenage girls for lunch or emerged white-haired from the asylum or is now planning to usurp the Fire Lord is still a household dinner table mystery. But the reality is that the Princess is now a brown-haired, brown-eyed unassuming actress that made people love Azula more than they fear her. And though she does not devour their hearts for lunch, she continually breaks that of one particular teenage girl.

The Royal Family sits on the top box. Ursa, Zuko, Mai and even the half-sister she never had the time to get to know. Ty Lee wonders what they would think.

,,,

,

"She's gone."

The whole company is on the verge of collapsing, turning the whole place upside down in search of their star. Ty Lee stares at the empty dressing room, at the letter that she left under the paperweight at the mirror where a young woman with chocolate hair tied intricately in braids and gray eyes gaze back, her eyes brimming with tears.

 _Ty Lee…._

She has forgotten how much she loved it when Azula calls her name…

 _If you are reading this…_

The whole performance is on the verge of collapsing after months of gruelling preparations and Ty Lee could not find it in herself to care.

And so Ty Lee runs away from the theatre once more because Azula once again called a little louder.

 _Ty Lee. Get over here. Now!_

And if she would have to walk on her hands to do so, Ty Lee happily would.

….

….

 **(TBC)**


	3. Finale

….

 **.**

 **Three**

 **,**

 **,**

 _ **Finale**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **.**_

Azula's hair is still brown. Azula's eyes still brown. And she still looks nowhere near the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl that Ty Lee feared. But this time the flames that spark from her fingers are no longer harmless props that they spend sleepless nights crafting themselves. And the smoke is no longer from the cancer sticks that she insists are cleansing. Lightning crackles from her fingers and that same night over the Forgetful Valley while understudies struggled to fill their roles back in Hiraa's theatre, Hime never looked more like Princess Azula than she does now.

They face one of the lakes that the forest's resident spirit _might_ appear on, standing over the edge of a cliff overgrown with wild and free life. It is the beginning of winter, or its less white and less cold and less snowy Fire Nation's version of it. When trying to find Azula, the acrobat admittedly did not do much of a research but she knows enough. The water looked blue and clean and just perfect for a powerful spirit to drink on. She holds the piece of paper that bears her name on it, soaked from the slight drizzle that joined her in her sprint towards the enchanted forest. It is crisp and it crunches at her touch and Ty Lee wonders if this is what Azula feels like now. That one breeze of the wind and she will come apart.

Brown-eyed, brown-haired Azula still does not look at her.

"You remember." Ty Lee croaks, heaving. But she cannot keep the smile off her face, the sheer excitement exhilarating. "You remember."

 _Ty Lee._

Once upon a time, Ty Lee froze whenever the Princess so much as utters her name. This always meant something. Now, faced by a shell of a person who does not even look like the one before, she wants nothing but to laugh at the irony that even as the colour of her eyes and the tilt of her voice change, some things in Azula does not.

She still fears her. Ty Lee still fears that Azula might disappoint her again. _Just when I thought that we are becoming friends. Just when I thought that we have a chance._

And true enough, Azula does.

"I did not." She intones. And her voice is still that of Hime's, not inflected of tones of manipulation and endless years of abrasion. Azula still did not so much as glance at her. "There is nothing worth remembering."

And she jumps.

…

.

Azula makes it. _Of course she would,_ Zuko would likely say.

"Except this." She says with a dark chuckle after a burst of showy blue flames propelled her back up the edge before Ty Lee could even think about jumping after. She sinks into the ground, stares at the azure fireball on her hands, still does not grace Ty Lee even the smallest of acknowledgement. "This. This is the only thing that I will ever miss."

It is the confirmation of who she is but not a reminder of who she was.

The sun sets. The moon prevails. No spirit comes by to drink by the stream.

For the first time in what seem like an infinity of comfortable quietude, Ty Lee ventures. "So you don't remember."

There is many a time that she has contemplated on it being better this way. That maybe it is better off that the Princess Azula of the Hundred Year War to be merely a subject of conspiracy theories and outrageous myths, to be loved as a tragic villain in art and to be forgotten from the world's unsightly history, to be feared merely as a cautionary tale and to be remembered as the identity to be avoided. While Hime lives on loved and revered even as she herself hides more under a mask only when she is not wearing the one onstage, Ty Lee wonders if Princess Azula is better off dead in the eyes of everyone.

Hime has always sounded more human and honest when she is on the dress and boots and face of Princess Azula.

 _Azula always lies. Azula always lies. Azula always lies._

And though Ty Lee misses those distant times when the golden gaze was only fixed on her and only her and though she hates those brown eyes that merely considered her warily and though she wants to go back when she hears her real name from her lips and though she abhors the fact she has not even heard her fake name on Hime's, Ty Lee still thinks that perhaps it really is better off this way.

"There is nothing worth remembering." Azula repeats, still on the verge of hysterical laughter. "Must be a reason why I chose to forget in the first place."

And fear seizes the acrobat once more. Disappointment. Just when she thought they have a chance, just when she thought they could be real friends. Azula always disappoints her. "And yet you remember me." She pushes on, unwilling to abandon that small glimmer of hope.

 _There is still a chance._

 _There is still a chance that they can restore… no, create their beautiful friendship._

It always was meant to be. It is just that it never happened.

And Azula is always set to disappoint her.

 _Azula always lies._

She scoffs, still not looking at her. "I think I am smart enough to recognize you." She pauses, folds one knee and the telltale flicks of whitish current sparks on her wiggling fingers. The condescension on her tone… Ty Lee does not even want to think about it. "And certainly intelligent enough to know that my unusual fixation to the Princess is no coincidence."

"But you left." Ty Lee looks around, frantic. She guesses that it must make sense. That Azula is still not looking back at her because this time she is nothing more than a fleeting word in a textbook. And she wonders when this girl stopped being _this_ Azula and became one and the same with the Princess that must have cherished her once, despite everything "And you came here. Surely you must be planning to—"

"There is nothing worth remembering." Azula says firmly. "There is nothing worth coming back to."

"I love you." Ty Lee finally snaps. "Isn't that enough?"

This time, Azula raises her head. In the past six months, Ty Lee has been more than happy to keep up with a onesided conversation with _this_ Azula. Except that this time as she saw the actress firebend just sealed her identity to her. And this Azula definitely is her Azula.

Her brown eyes are cold, judging. "You fear me."

"I never stopped." Ty Lee admits, shrugging. "And call it sense of obligation or whatever, I just fear that I should love you. I cannot explain it. Do not make me. Making sense of things is your forte. You know how I hate things that do not make sense."

"I don't." Azula merely huffs and Ty Lee wants to strangle her.

"I hate you too." The acrobat grits out then sighs, trying to contain herself from just kissing the woman senseless and explain her… illogic. Azula is far from being a tactile learner but she could just be infuriating sometimes, amnesia and all. "But as I said do not make me explain it. Agni, because I do not know why too."

"I do not know you." Azula pointedly reminds her, none so gently. Brown-eyed, brown-haired Azula reminds her, eyebrows raised. "As far as I am concerned, you are just a colleague that happens to be Fire Nation noblewoman."

"And you are the Princess!" said noblewoman asserts. "You conquered Ba Sing Se!"

"Then there must be a reason why I decided to forget that."

Silence.

"Maybe because Azula the Conqueror is forgotten in place of the Mad Princess. I do not know. It does not matter." Then Azula sighs. "I hate things that do not make sense too." She whispers, looking distantly at the rising full moon. Ty Lee kneels beside her and surprisingly enough, the brown-eyed, brown-haired not-so-stranger allows it. "And right now, me being merely a lowly town actress and you being just that upbeat teammate are the only things that I want to remember."

…

.

"Let us start over again then."

Though Azula's hair is still peasant brown and though her eyes are still far from the gold that once struck fear in the hearts of most war veterans, when she sighed in resignation, Ty Lee could not help but be reminded of the beautiful, smart, perfect Princess that she once called her Sugarcakes.

"That sounds fun."

When their lips meet and not one pair pull away, Ty Lee can somehow delude herself that they still have a chance.

…

.

And perhaps they do.

They lay entwined one full moon, bare and exposed. Azula's eyes are still brown, her hair of the same shade but Ty Lee finds that she is getting used to it and slowly she starts to forget about the golden-eyed princess who once set the safety net on fire. Post-coital bliss is wonderful and she wonders if she would have felt the same if she surrendered to the Princess' wiles all those years ago.

Ty Lee is sure that in her own twisted, awkward way that the Princess did love her. The acrobat had feared her too much to even acknowledge that. But being with Hime… being with the Azula that is not quite Azula (who looks, sounds and even acts nothing like her but somehow knows how to read Ty Lee like she once did) somehow strengthens the belief that in another world where she is not the trained to be the tyrant she became after Ty Lee left, they would have been perfect for each other.

Ty Lee wholeheartedly believes that she would have loved her if she did not learn to fear her first.

And she is startled to hear that Azula, this Azula whose being Azula is only embodied by her writing her own tragedy for public's domain (and Ty Lee later finds out, dreams that do not make sense until she put two and two together after reading the history that was written by victors), thinks so too.

"I was thinking if Princess Azula loved Ty Lee too."

 _But I—I am sure that… Ty Lee loved her._

"Does it matter?" she murmurs on the woman's pallid brown shoulder. Making love with Azula is every bit of how she imagined it, a fire that slowly burns, consumes, engulfs. And yet she is drowning. Everything in this woman is brown, even the peasant clothes she helped her disrobe from. "Does it matter? You said that the past is not worth coming back to anyway?"

 _More than she feared her anyway._

"I think it matters." She responds softly, unsure. Out of character but then again she never knew Azula. Nobody ever did. Nobody ever bothered. "Because I think I love Ty Lee."

Silence.

Ty Lee freezes yet again.

Azula chuckles and the throaty mirthless laugh almost sounds like… "Does that make sense to you?"

 _It's okay. You can laugh. It's funny._

She resumes. "I never thought of you as Joon Ah. I always saw you as Ty Lee, the perfect Ty Lee. All the other girls cannot seem to do it right. Mai too. But I always seem to be much dissatisfied when it comes to Ty Lee. Only Ty Lee."

The acrobat remembers how easy it has been to audition for the role, how offhanded is the director's remark that the previous Ty Lee had been traumatized as if that happens all the time.

 _Hime is like that with everyone._

She recalls how amazed the company were when she lasted more than one performance.

"I am not like most people." was her only happy and exultant answer. Only Azula ever succeeded on giving her the reason to say that.

"Did you know that I also was the one who wrote Ty Lee's lines?" she continues and now she rakes her fingers into Ty Lee's unbraided hair, gently running circles. Her hands are warm, the touch of a Firebender. "Did you know that I wrote her that way I remembered… no, the way that I wanted her to be remembered?"

Ty Lee never stopped to wonder why it had been so easy for her to take on the role of herself. And why they all say that she is perfect for it. Azula has always known her best. Azula always have known how she is just unlike everybody else.

Azula sighs. Her breath is warm. "Likewise, I never thought myself as Hime."

 _No matter what happens, never forget who you are._

"When I was writing my part of the play, I always thought I am the Princess herself. All her achievements. All her pain. Somehow even though I look nothing like her and remember a different sort of childhood, I always know that those are part of me. And the fiction that I am writing about her is actually real."

She holds Ty Lee tighter.

"And I found out that I do not want to let it go."

….

.

.

The past might not be worth coming back to.

But that does not mean that the future is not worth looking forward to.

Ty Lee's father told her (or the seven of them) once that being in love is being able to imagine that person with you in ten years time. She never thought of being in the circus for five. She never thought she would last three in the Kyoushi Warriors. It always whatever the latest calling is and if there is anything that called a little louder…

Then why not?

 _Azula always called a little louder._

Azula has always been that one constant in her life that she always seem to come back to.

"The thing is, I somehow can imagine myself being with you for the rest of my life."

Because she makes her cry. She makes her laugh. And she makes her feel all those different things that makes life worth living. Knowing how to fear is knowing how to survive. Knowing how to love is knowing how to live.

"Do you still fear me?"

Yes, she does. She fears being disappointed. She fears Azula's love. She fears falling deeper than she already fell. She fears everything about her this brown eyed, brown haired woman even though she no longer is the golden eyed, dark haired Princess who once… "Yes."

She smirks. And despite the plain, boring features, she looks beautiful. The most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world. "Good."

Ty Lee loves… has learned to love everything about her.

"I love you too." she adds.

And so Ty Lee does not fear the future anymore.

 **(END)**

….


End file.
